Why Perfectionism is So Hard to Let Go of - Even When You Know It’s Exhausting
You know perfectionism is exhausting. You know everything doesn't have to be perfect. You know you're probably being harder on yourself than anyone else is.
You might even tell other people, “Done is better than perfect.” And yet, when it comes to your own life, that's a much harder rule to follow.
You reread (and reread) the email before sending it. You think through every possible ‘what if.’ You spend more time preparing than the situation probably requires. You have a hard time turning something in when you think it could be better.
And sometimes, you don't even think of yourself as a perfectionist. You just think you have high standards.
For high-achieving women, those two things can be difficult to separate.
When High Standards Become Perfectionism
Having high standards isn't inherently a problem. Wanting to do good work, caring about the people in your life, and taking pride in what you do can all be healthy.
Perfectionism becomes more complicated when your standards are tied to your sense of worth - or when “good enough” never actually feels good enough.
You may find yourself:
Overthinking decisions that don't need that much thought
Spending excessive time on small details
Avoiding things you might not do perfectly
Feeling like mistakes are much bigger than they actually are
Comparing yourself to people who seem to have it all together
Having difficulty celebrating accomplishments before moving on to the next goal
Feeling uncomfortable when someone is disappointed in you
Being more forgiving of other people's mistakes than your own
From the outside, this can look like ambition. Internally, it can feel like never quite getting to exhale.
Why Perfectionism Can Be So Hard to Change
Perfectionism usually isn't just about wanting things to be perfect. It's often about what you believe might happen if they aren't.
Maybe you'll disappoint someone.
Maybe you'll be judged.
Maybe someone will realize you don't actually have everything together.
Maybe you'll make the wrong decision.
Maybe you'll fail.
For many high-achieving women, perfectionism has also been rewarded. Being prepared, responsible, successful, and dependable gets positive feedback. You become known as the person who gets things ‘right.’
So why would you want to give that up?
The Cost of Always Getting It Right
Perfectionism can show up in ways that don't look like perfectionism at first.
It can look like procrastination because you're afraid of doing something incorrectly.
It can look like anxiety because your brain is constantly searching for what could go wrong.
It can look like indecision because there isn't one option that feels completely safe.
It can look like resentment because you keep taking on more than everyone else.
And it can make rest surprisingly difficult.
You Don't Have to Lower Your Standards
Letting go of perfectionism doesn't mean becoming careless or lowering your standards.
It means learning to recognize the difference between doing something well and needing to do it perfectly to feel good about yourself.
Sometimes the healthier question isn't: “Is this the best I can possibly do?”
It's: “Is this good enough for what this actually requires?”
What Therapy Can Help With
Therapy for perfectionism isn't about convincing you to stop caring.
It's about understanding where the pressure comes from and learning how to respond differently to it.
That might mean exploring:
Where your perfectionistic standards came from
What mistakes mean to you
Why disappointing people feels so uncomfortable
How achievement became connected to your self-worth
How to tolerate uncertainty without trying to control everything
You can still be ambitious.
You can still care deeply.
You can still have high standards.
You just don't have to make yourself miserable in the process.
If you've spent years being the person who gets it right, learning that “good enough” can actually be enough may take some practice.
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🧠 My niche? High-achieving women navigating anxiety, burnout, career stress, depression, life transitions, and BIPOC concerns.